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i just cant help feeling like this. when im down, im so fucking down. i dont even have a real reason. why does this affect my life so much? its the worst thing that could happen to a person, and i only wish it upon my enemies, which off the top of my head is 2 people, both so involved yet so fucking stupid. argh. i should probably just delete this all because no one, no one, has succeeded to make this stupid way of life stop. sure im alot happier now, but so much more stuff is in my head.
this is the story i came up with the other day
as im walking along the sidewalk, up a hill, the sky is clouding over. i could describe everything that i see, every emotion that i feel, but i think that you wont see it in the way that i see it so i dont. im walking up this hill and i dont even know where im headed, i dont know who im going to see and most importantly i have no motive, all that keeps me going is the steady rythmic beat of putting one foot in front of another. somehow thats comforting. the rain is starting to come down now. its almost nightime in my mind. i check my watch, its almost 11am. i can see the faint distant city lights through the rain... but its not that far away, within a walking distance, yet too far to walk for me. i think about many things. firstly my train of thoughts begin with "what am i going to do today" and plans for the weekend. but as i stepfoot on the bus that will take me to exams i think "i am just digging a grave for myself with my thought patterns. everytime i stop and think deeper than the surface it is like throwing the shovel filled with dirt over my shoulder, physically straining and emotionally painful. each time this certain mistake is made i promise i wont let it get to me but in the end its always the same things that make me upset. its the same as digging my own grave. each mistake is made; another time the shovel is forced into the ground. more emotions uncovered and more tears and more pain is more dirt being dug up . and the day i fear is the day when ive finally finished digging my own grave and ill either die or be free."
i want to wake up from this surreal life and be myself again. my thoughts fill with you. you. boy. no names mentioned. you are anonymous boy to some, boy with the eyes so beautiful, so brown that its almost like its a window to your thoughts. you. i want to mention every happy memory, every intimate moment, every kiss, every smile we shared, every secret we could hold, feeling so close. it keeps me awake at night, it puts me to sleep. it wakes me up in the morning and its always lingering like the scene of cigarettes after a night out. i can hear the songs, i can recite the lyrics, its us, its us against them, its nothing less than love. love. opposite. hate?. how could i hate you? hurt. like the days in which id "jokingly" drive a blade into my skin crying for perhaps attention, perhaps a saviour. did i have it all along? my faith should have never let me down. it was me. me who let myself down. i can hear words coming from my own mouth and sometims i dont even understand what im saying myself. some days, oh god, somedays i think. wow. i am ____. i am me. i am old, i am young, i am war, murder, vengence, and deciet. i am freedom, i am a daughter of god, i am a poet and moretheless i am a person. but. i am a person. i will never make a difference.
i want to wake from this dream and be in heaven. but what if heaven is not .. perfection? what if im alone still.
what if i still have these words playing around in my mind? hopefully i wont bleed to much. hopefully i wont leave behind a trail of destrction.
hopefully i wont take the ones i love with me, so far down that if i went any deeper... i dont know what im going to hit.
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